You desperately want your ex back. You realize that you still love her, but the problem is that she doesn’t want to come back. This scenario is common among couples that for some reason split up.
Some people, even though they want to fix things to give themselves another chance, quit so easily, deterring the possibility of a return.
But who can predict the future?
Sometimes, separations are tests that each individual has to take to self-evaluate as a person. This helps you grow because you learn from your mistakes and come out stronger and wiser.
And if she comes back, your relationship may start again with more solid grounds.
That’s why in this article we are going to describe a series of tips that will help you in the process of getting her back.
Why doesn’t she want me when I ask her to come back?
There are several reasons depending on each particular situation. But all of them rely on the principal fact that she’s emotional. Whether is your fault or hers, women are more prone to being carried away by emotions.
Emotions can be so powerful that they can control people’s decisions, most of the time making them judge badly. But of course, you also have to consider other reasons:
- Trust was disseminated after a breakup.
- Love is vanished because the concept she has of you went away.
- Anger got hold of her. She’s thinking and making decisions through her feelings.
- Pride steps in. She wants you to suffer.
The reasons above are on the premise that she still feels something for you. Of course, there’s a possibility that she finds somebody else, and is in an ongoing relationship.
How to get my ex back
If you want to get her back, you need to go slowly. One wrong move and your efforts will completely backfire. In case you feel mad, swallow your pride and ditch any resentment.
Also, keep in mind there would be a chance that she won’t come back. But the important thing is that you give it a shot. Therefore, the following are steps that will help you get the best possible outcome.
1. Take the first step
You have to make the first move because you don’t know if your ex has considered talking to you again. So, when you contact your ex, put the subject on the table.
On the other hand, you have to be very careful. Talking to an ex after months is somehow complicated, especially if the breakup was too painful. Probably your ex is not ready and needs time to cool things off. In that case, move slowly, give them some time, but make the first move.
2. Have realistic expectations
Keep in mind that your ex is as hurt as you are. So don’t think that when you contact him, things are going to be exactly how it was before the breakup.
It will take time to overcome what went wrong because the wounds are still open. Consider for a moment her heart is still suffering and it’s still killing her.
So, give her time to heal. Besides, the relationship will essentially start again, and your ex needs time to process everything before thinking about another chance.
3. Clear your mind of negative thoughts
Even though you are hurt, don’t hold hard feelings when you start speaking with your ex. They will get in the way. And the conversation will not be productive. In fact, it will lead to revive hurtful events.
Removing negative thoughts will not only help with this situation but will also give you a better quality of life. As you probably heard, most physical illnesses brew first in the mind, and the body reflects what you have in it.
For this reason, we invite you to watch the amazing video below to start cleansing your mind of negative thoughts.
Now that you know how important it is to get rid of negative thoughts, fill your mind with positive ones in order to have a better chance of success. Leave pride behind, think about the good things that you both created during the relationship and start from there.
4. Don’t overwhelm your ex
Be wise. Do not pester your ex with hundreds of phone calls and text messages. As stated, this is a long process. Don’t think for a second that everything will return as it was in a single one day.
Don’t only give your ex time but also space. This is a critical phase, and you need to play your cards right!
5. Be emotionally stable
A breakup is something difficult to handle by both sides. So, when you proceed to make the first contact, you have to be emotionally stable. If you’re not, just put it off. It won’t turn out well if emotions are running very high.
Also, consider that your ex is still hurt, and an argument can easily trigger, so it’s wise if at least one of you is serene to de-escalate the situation and lead the conversation in a productive way. If both of you are angry, there’s no chance of coming back together.
Pro Tip: If you’re still emotional, have fun with a friend or family. Getting away from anything that reminds the breakup for some time will help you clear your mind and tone down your emotions.
6. Leave the past behind
In order for the conversation to be productive, do not bring the past right away. Give it time. Remember that this is the first contact. Though necessary, your ex may not be ready yet to talk about the past events that led to the breakup.
When you deem it appropriate, bring it cautiously. You have to choose your words carefully and never, ever dwell on the past. Make your ex see that the future will be different and that the relationship is worth fighting for because of the changes that you made.
7. Don’t push your ex
Never put pressure on your ex to immediately come back together. That will look not only pushy but also ruling. Let your ex decide when she is ready.
Many people in this situation get anxious when the ex doesn’t give a straight answer or have doubts. But give it some time. Do not rush them. Let love find its way through your ex.
8. Stay firm
Probably your ex won’t like to talk to you and will avoid having any contact. Though you don’t have to become a stalker, do not give some easily.
If you do it well, there’s a good chance that your ex sees that you really care about saving the relationship. And most importantly, she will realize that she’s special to you because you’re firm about coming back together.
What if I want my ex back but she won’t listen to me
She won’t listen because she holds a grudge against you. Even if she won’t come back in the future, when she denies to listen to you is because she has not yet overcome it.
Most likely she’s still angry. The best thing to do in this case is to let her alone. We know that you really want to insist, but there’s no point in trying because she won’t appreciate your words. She’s in a state that neither wants to fix what happened nor move on. Anger dictates her behavior.
And her rejection will probably upset you, which can turn you emotional as well. And two emotional people will never have any successful conversation.
So, give her space and time. If after some time she still remains silent and angry, that’s her problem. Don’t let her anger drag you down through the same hole.
Wanting someone back even if that person doesn’t want to hurts a lot, but it will hurt more if you let that person’s stubbornness disturb your sanity.
Sings your ex wants to come back
Here are 9 possible signs your ex can show. However, you have to move carefully with these signs. Though they can reveal the intention of your ex, they may create confusion.
Look for excuses to speak with you
These excuses are, mostly, for trivial conversations. But the main object is to acknowledge her existence.
Talk about the relationship
Your ex brings up the happy moments of your relationship to revive the good memories.
Ask for your advice
Before making any important decision, your ex asks for your opinion.
Miss you
Your ex can say this directly or through a call and text messages.
Admit her/his own mistakes
Your ex looks for you to admit her mistakes and tells you that she is willing to change.
Interest in your well-being
She might show a deep interest in your emotional state.
Receptive
You may be open to collaborating with anything you need. Even if you have a problem, your ex will offer many solutions.
Talk about you with other people
Your ex may talk about you with other people within your circle of friends, hoping they tell you about it.
Text you overnight
If you text you overnight or before the sun rises, you’re possibly the first person that comes to her mind.
Signs your ex will never come back
Sometimes, the possibility of coming back is not feasible for any reason. And it’s so humiliating to grovel for someone who no longer cares about you.
That’s why we will show you 8 signs that will help you know when your ex doesn’t love you anymore.
Your ex ignores you
After trying to contact your ex by all means, and you have no replies yet, it shows that you’re not part of your ex’s life anymore. This is a clear sign that your ex has moved on.
And it is confirmed when you know that your ex has read all your messages. But still, no answer. Your ex just hopes that you get tired and realize that everything is over.
Start another relationship
This is another strong sign. The people who start another relationship with someone else after a breakup want to move on. They hope to leave everything behind. And that includes you!
You may think that your ex dating someone out of spite – in some cases, it is – but normally that person has decided to forget you, to move on with somebody else.
Avoid conversations
If your ex avoids visiting places you frequent and gets away from anybody that is close to you, she or he is definitely putting an end to the relationship.
Your ex could go to the extreme to avoid the friends you have in common to stop any chance that one of them might intervene as a mediator.
Block you
When your ex not only blocks you from their contact list but also from all the social media, it means that they don’t want to know anything about your life. And they don’t want you to know about their life.
This is an obvious sign that coming back together is not one of their goals.
Return or throw away all the gifts
When your ex starts to get rid of the things you gave her is a clear sign that she ditched any possibility of coming back together. And if she doesn’t throw them away, all the gifts are returned to you via another person.
This act is a way of removing you from their life. By having nothing that reminds you, your ex can move on.
Avoid your friends and relatives
It’s common for people in a relationship to form a bond with their respective relatives. But if after the breakup your ex is avoiding your relatives and close friends, she just wants to stay away from anyone who reminds you of them.
Your ex doesn’t want you to misunderstand that there’s a chance of coming back either. People sometimes avoid relatives because they are afraid that they could try to get them together again or ask inconvenient questions.
Talk bad about you
It’s too painful when you know that your ex talks bad about you. So, if you still have hope, this is the final sign. There’s no going back. Your ex will not return. And you should not insist.
When respect is lost, any attempt to fix the relationship ceases to make sense. Respect is the cornerstone of a relationship. Accept it and expect someone else who values you to come into your life.
Breakup consequences
Separation is a crisis situation that could also affect the rest of the family on both sides. And no matter if there’s an opportunity to fix it in the future, decisions have to be made because this is a moment of change in many aspects such as personal, emotional, and family.
These changes create a lot of stress and emotional upset. Of course, not all separations are the same. It depends on how the breakup happened and how established the relationship was.
For example, a long-term courtship or married couple is not going to get over a breakup as quickly as a couple who has just started a relationship.
However, there are similar consequences that occur after the breakup:
- The breakup makes you feel hopeless because the expectations were crushed.
- You can feel guilty for the failure of the relationship.
- Grief is present when you lose a close relative
- You experience low self-esteem due to questioning past events.
Now, when you are married, the consequences are much worse:
- Depression invades you, generating symptoms of sadness, loneliness, possibility of isolation.
- Anxiety is one of the most common reactions that produce other symptoms like insomnia.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). A painful breakup can lead you to suffer from this condition.
- Out-of-place sensation. You could isolate yourself from the world, renouncing to live.
These are very dangerous consequences. If you perceive that you are falling into this hole, talk to someone you trust, and go to a specialist. Do not take antidepressants and avoid any doctor who recommends them.
Human psychology
The impact of a breakup can harm the psyche. You go from being in a relationship when you emotionally depend on someone to be completely independent. It also makes you take sides regarding friends and family members.
In this regard, you lose other people as well, those who choose your ex instead of you, generating feelings of frustration and betrayal for those people who pass on you.
And when children are in the equation, things get more complicated because they can blame themselves. Some of them even fantasize about their parents reuniting again just to find out years later that it was a fairytale, leaving traumas in them.
In the end, any separation creates a fracture in the way of life that has been led up to now. And this naturally generates confusion in our minds. Therefore, it is essential to reorganize one’s life and rebuild social and family relationships.
Experts
In this article, we have stated how to improve your chances of getting your ex back, especially on the proper way to contact her. We cannot guarantee that she will come back. That’s why we’ve put together those signs above.
Similarly, real professionals in the area are also in the same line. They don’t sell you gimmicks and give you false promises of reconciliation. They work more on fortifying communication in order to open a productive line of contact to find valuable points.
Let’s what some of the specialists have to say on the matter:
“If you don’t get back together for the right, genuine reasons, it just won’t last in the long run. And it’s not fair to your ex (nor yourself) to get back together on such dishonest grounds.“
“Rebuild your connection with your ex via a strategic, authentic communication plan.”
Quotes by Natalia Juarez, certified dating coach, holistic coach, yoga teacher, with degrees in Gender Studies and Education.
“It is important to ascertain that each individual is returning to the relationship for the right reasons and that absence has not cast on an unrealistic glittery glow on the past.”
Quotes by Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist.
“It is important that both people are on the same page about what they want and also honestly evaluate if they can meet each other’s expectations. You want to feel that your partner’s expectations for you and the relationship are realistic. If not, that in and of itself is a breeding ground for conflict.”
Quotes by Niro Feliciano, a psychotherapist.
Statistics
This is one of the parts that you might have been expecting. It’s common for people to want to see the stats to gauge their chances. But apart from the number we’re going to show, keep in mind that these are just estimate studies. Don’t base your hope on it since relationships are somehow unpredictable because we’re all different.
The following studies show that the age of couples and the seriousness of the relationships have a lot to do with the possibility of coming back together.
A study made in Austin at the University of Texas showed that 65% of couples got back together after a breakup. Another study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research showed that 44% of students from 17 to 24 years old got back together.
At Kansas State University, a professor of Family Studies and Human Services conducted a study where 37% of couples lived together, and 23% came back together.
It’s different for married couples where the rate of success is way lower. 10-17% of married couples reconcile. This proves what Natalia Juarez points out, that only a small fraction win her ex back.
However, at California State University, Sacramento, psychology professor Nancy Kalish, revealed that above 70% of married couples that break up come back together. This may give you hope if you’re in this sample group!
*Stats from: themodernman.com
FAQs
What should I do if she says she won’t come back?
You should not insist. You cannot make her do what you want even if she’s making a mistake. You should let her go. All people have the free will to make decisions. And as such, face the consequences regardless of what they are.
Will ex move on during no contact?
Not necessarily. If it was a long-term relationship and the breakup was painful, the wounds are still open. She will need more time. Sometimes, she could harbor the possibility of coming back if she still feels something for you.
How long should you wait before reconnecting with an ex?
There’s no fixed time. You may feel that waiting can increase the chances that she forgets you or finds someone else, but you should wait until you’re emotionally stable. Under no circumstances, you must not contact your ex if you’re having feelings of anger, frustration, and desperation.
How should I contact my ex after the breakup?
It’s better if you text her though your texts will surely be ignored in case she’s too hurt. But do it anyway. Don’t go to see her in person right away after the breakup because she will probably won’t answer the door. And since you’re also hurt, you could react in an unfavorable way.
So, it is preferable if you text her. Or, if you both share a good friend, ask him to tell her that you want to meet her for a talk when she’s ready.
Can time apart bring you back together?
Yes, time apart can make people see how much they love their partners. When you truly care about somebody, you start feeling that a part of you is missing when she’s not around.
And deep inside, you know that you’re not the same. That makes you realize that the other person has become the complement of your life.
Conclusion
As you can see, the most important part, if you want to have a good chance of winning her back, is to contact her to start a productive communication where both of you can put your problems on the table and see if the relationship is worth saving.
We understand the difficulty of the situation, just remember the steps:
- Make the first move.
- Don’t hold high expectations.
- Have positive thoughts.
- Let her have some respire.
- Keep calm.
- Do not bring past and hurtful events.
- Do not push her.
- Be strong.
Whatever the outcome would be, you also have to ask yourself if staying together is worth it. Sometimes a breakup is a sign to realize that it is best to go on separate ways.
But if you are very sure, not only by feelings but also by common sense, give it a try. If you pull it off, that’s good; if not, life goes on, and on your way, there will be many other experiences and you must fully live them all while always moving forward.